It is okay if you can't figure it out
- Vijaya Vulapalli
- May 27, 2020
- 3 min read
Updated: Feb 15, 2021
In our modern lives, our obsession with problem solving has reached its peak. I am not exaggerating if I say it is at the root of mental health issues rampant around us today. Life by its very nature is uncertain, complicated and messy. Problem solving is not as important as you were made to believe. It may help you to survive. In order to thrive, resilience is far more important than problem solving.
As a race, humans are obsessed with finding answers. This one attitude made us superior to all other species on the planet. While all other species find solutions to their problems in order to survive, humans search for problems to solve. But this hyper focus on problem solving cripples our ability to maintain calm and build resilience in our day to day lives. Problem solving may be of great help in survival but it is mental resilience that determines who will thrive in the long run. For many of life’s problems, you just do not have solutions and it is okay because you are far more superior than your problems. No one has taught us this simple truth.
When you are hyper focused on problem solving, every life situation seems like a personal affront to your ability to solve problems. Look at how many times in a day you blame yourself - for not having right answers to so many things in your life. You feel you are not good enough if you do not have answers for a tough situation in a relationship, for not resolving a messy financial situation, for not having a solution for your rebellious teen. It feels like a personal failure. It is so ubiquitous in our modern society, even children as young as 10 year-old feel this huge pressure to find a solution to whatever little problem they face and shame when they don’t have it. This is like a ready stick in your hands to perpetually beat yourself up with. It moves you away from self acceptance.
Right from childhood, we were taught by example and wide percept that only thing you must have is ability to solve problems. Be it a problem in Math or Physics or Biology, your success depends on your ability to solve problems. This is a wonderful training. It makes us experts in survival and success. But this training is damaging in four important ways.
It makes you see all life situations as problems to solve, make you forget life is a means for self exploration and discovery.
It makes you personalise everything, treating all life situations as grounds to prove your capabilities. You are on constant alert mode, you feel tough situations as personal failure more often.
It doesn’t equip you to deal with situations that are sometimes beyond your control.
It makes you feel ‘not good enough’ when you face real life situations that are messy and complicated.
Too much emphasis in finding answers for everything makes you feel extremely helpless and vulnerable when you face real life uncertainty. It is unhealthy for your mental health and emotional resilience when you face something that’s beyond your control. It becomes a too easy excuse to feed into your self judgement and self criticism. It moves you away from self acceptance and tolerance towards your weaknesses and faults.
Every time you are caught in a trap of searching for answers, tell yourself:
it’s okay not to have answers
it’s okay to allow life to unfold in it’s own way
it’s okay if you can’t resolve something in life
it’s okay if your life is not perfect
it’s okay not to have ability to solve all life’s problems
The uncertainty we face currently is a wonderful opportunity to practice self acceptance. It is okay not to have answers. Just acknowledge you are facing tough situation. It is scary not to have answers but you can survive. In fact, you can thrive if you just tough it out. Standing out tough situations is far more useful than jumping in to resolve it.