Do you have a compulsive urge to help others?

Helping others is considered a very desirable virtue. Most of us have an innate urge to help others, usually out of very good motives. You may want to help others because you can’t see others in pain. Somewhere deep within you, there is an awareness of oneness. If you see someone in pain, you identify with that pain. It feels as if you are in pain yourself. So you try to help that person out of it. Your help is extended out of empathy, understanding and compassion.

Many other times, helping others also has a shadow side. We will now see three subtle motives why you may feel a compelling urge to help someone in pain. Motives that are less than ideal.

One common motive is avoidance of personal pain. You are in too much pain, but you fear to face this pain in your life. You fear you won’t be able to bear it, it may be unbearable. By helping others in pain, there is a sense of relief in their relief. So instead of attending to your pain and feeling relief, it is easier to derive second-hand relief. You help others, and identify with their sense of relief. You help others so that you can avoid facing your own pain. This is one shadow aspect of helping others.

Another shadow aspect is, you hope if you help others, they will find time to help you. You feel you don’t have the ability to meet your needs or deal with your pain. You find it too painful. You feel helpless. So you help others so that they can do it for you. You turn into a habitual rescuer instead of seeking help from others. This pattern usually crops up if there is the same dynamic in your growing up years. As a child, your parents were in so much pain, they didn’t have time to attend to your pain or your needs. So you turned yourself to be their rescuer. You hope that if you help them, they will finally get enough time to attend to your needs and your pain. Once you grow up into adulthood, the same pattern continues. You become a magnet for all those who cling to others as a rule. They expect you to rescue them out of all their troubles constantly. Like people who feel powerless to help themselves. Helping them becomes your entire life purpose.

Another deeper shadow aspect to helping others is gaining control. You feel if you help others, you can put them in an obligation to help you in return. This is done usually with people who normally don't allow you to get into their personal space. So you force your help, support or assistance on others, unasked. The other person can be now made to meet your demands, which they would not normally encourage.

So before you pat your back too much for being a very nice, supportive, helping sort of a person, check your shadow aspects. When you understand your subconscious reasons behind this urge, you gain self-awareness. If you are doing it to avoid your pain, have some courage to face and attend to your pain. Help yourself. If you are a habitual rescuer, recognise that you need your loving attention more than others. Take ownership for your wellbeing. If you are seeking control, see why you need this manipulation mechanism. Make sure to meet your emotional needs behind this urge to control.

If you are a habitual rescuer, remember this! Bailing out a person from their challenges may not always be the best option. In some cases, you may be enabling helplessness in the other person. Instead of it, a better option is to empower the other person to come out of powerlessness and dependency. When a child is learning to walk on its own, parent must allow it to stand on its feet without support. Only then, they gain confidence to walk.